Diary entry of one of our clients - Self-destruction

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Last week I had a real moment of realization. Namely, that I have been self-destructing for years. Destruction is one of the symptoms of my diagnosis.

Mentally, putting myself down, inflicting physical injuries to myself, going to people who do not do me any good, getting into unhealthy relationships, etc....

The eating disorder I have is wrecking my body, esophagus, teeth, gums and in particular my heart from vomiting all the time. At worst it could

end fatally. There is also my alcohol consumption, liver, stomach and general risky behavior... Everything I have done to myself and still do, to some extent is self-destructive. Why am I doing all this to myself? My soul and body has had to go through so much bad stuff. But why do I treat myself so badly? The past monsters already treated me like this my whole life. I don't know anything else. Why can't I just love, appreciate and treat myself well?

How can anyone close to me, who cares for me with all their heart, cope with the fact that I destroy myself? To know and love someone who destroys himself, I too, would not wish this on myself. And yet I know that no other human being could ever stop my self-destruction. Only

I can do that through my own love for myself....

But I didn't have this love for myself even when I was a teenager. The sexual assaults I experienced, only made me look for love in men even harder. I knew that they would take my body anyway, then when they wanted it. So, I destroyed myself more and more. The more violence I experienced, the greater pain I inflicted on my body afterwards. I thought to myself that if a guy had left me, it must have something to do with my belly and my figure. After all, I wasn't perfect. So, I started punishing my stomach and didn't give it any more food. I starved myself to lose weight. I hurt my body on purpose to let it know that it was bad and didn't deserve anything else... My body couldn't handle tenderness anyway, I didn't even know tenderness was. That's why I just had to suffer.

When my stomach "growled", I hit it and screamed:" Silence, you have enough reserve!" For years I was so cruel to my body. I looked for any blame in it. Also, I did not treat my soul well. Again and again, I went back to the psychos who had destroyed my life. Whenever I didn't obey them, they broke me psychologically and emotionally. Or, I would go about breaking my own heart, because it was going to get broken anyway....

I did many things in my life that broke my heart without even meaning to. I lost control of my body and my soul over time. I sold these all the time. How could a person who loves me cause me such pain? This guy caused me so much mental and physical pain.... This can only have to do with my nature as a human being... I blamed myself. I let myself be talked into believing everything that he didn't like about me. My style, my figure and my character. As a result, day by day, I lost appreciation of myself. I learnt that if you don't take care of yourself, you will eventually be punished....

I became sick in my abdomen and lost myself completely. Because of the years of narcissistic and mental abuse I had experienced, I felt I could no longer trust my own thoughts. I thought I was crazy, and believed every man wanted to destroy me because I deserved it. Everyone just wants to have sex with me. And if one of them was sweet for once, then it is surely a sick game with a bad end. I didn't trust anyone anymore. Then, the guy just dropped me like that. Because he supposedly thought I'm a psycho.

It is so sad that I have to make such confessions to honest people. Because of that there are always arguments. Until the other person gives up and leaves.... And when the person is gone, I start to regret what I said. But then it is usually too late. I want to break the vicious circle and get involved with a dear person who really means well with me. I want to stop destroying myself! Since 05.09.2021 I am on the addiction ward with the hope that I really can manage to work on myself and allow positive change. I also want to keep my hands off alcohol in the future.

I hope that it is not too late for me and my new acquaintance. That I can really open up to him, be the way I really am. He was kind to me and gave me new courage. I know that he had not intentionally hurt me. I sabotaged it because I felt exposed. Certain situations triggered me and reminded me of past experiences. From one day to the next my ex-boyfriend had said he no longer loved me. And when my acquaintance then also told me that he no longer had feelings for me from one week to the next.... That's why my short-circuit reaction came. I felt so screwed by him... in that moment I couldn't help but react. Shortly after that I thought, shit what have I done now. I didn't think for a moment and just acted upon my emotions.

I am so to speak, like addicted to destroying myself and everything I like in my life. I hope so hard that I can make it all the way! That I can finally live a normal life and be happy.

 

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