My life with a scarred heart

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[Translate to Englisch:]
One of our clients, a young Swiss woman, gives us deep insights into her soul. At the bottom of the text at the german part of our homepage, you will also find her diary entry read directly by herself as an audio file in Swiss German.

I am a person of the heart, I think only of the good in a person. A person can not simply be evil for no reason...

I think it's nice to think of the good, but nevertheless it's not easy when you think like that. One is often disappointed and exploited. Endlessly fooled, because it is so easy to exploit a good-natured person. You probably think it's something big, you feel strong when you can break my heart once again. The more shit I had to put up with, the stronger I became, the less you brought me to the ground. Yes I can tell you that I am a fighter. Exactly because fate often struck and had no mercy on me, even though I was already down. On the contrary, it came down on me with a vengeance. I'll be honest, I can't tell you how I got through all that shit.  I don't know anyone who had to go through all that suffering and kept fighting and seeing the good in people like I did.

Yes, I have tried suicide several times. Each time I was lucky to survive. I guess God didn't want me to leave this world. I have become aware that I still have a task here, perhaps even more so because of my history and the experiences I have gone through with suffering, but perhaps I can give other people new courage with it again.

Yes I have loved extremely in my life and suffered extremely because of it. I thought I could never survive the loss of a psycho. It sounds sick and I should be happy to be rid of these deviant evil people in my life. But how best to put it...I don't know any other way. I have never been seriously loved. Only know the feeling of someone owning me or screwing me over. I preferred it when a guy needed me, was addicted to me. Than that I have to be afraid that he would drop me at any moment, because he felt no greed for me. I needed that feeling. I know in my heart that even this is not a guarantee that a person will stay in my life. But it gave me a security. I claim that my thinking has also changed. It is similar to the thinking of a psycho, you have to deal with fear of loss. That kind of thinking became part of my personality.

If you constantly get to such psychos, you will eventually become one yourself. It's ok that I don't feel like every other woman. I am good the way I am. I'm actually not a psycho for no reason, but if you feel you can play a game with me, you can't expect nothing back from my side. I know the right person will come and understand my story. Why I became like this. I became dominant because I had to learn it. Otherwise I would still be a puppet of those sick psychos. I don't let myself be dominated anymore, I don't intend to dominate anyone else. Preferably the level should just be the same.

As soon as I feel hurt my thinking changes and becomes psycho. I feel very quickly fear of loss and then immediately react like a psycho. I don't beat people up physically but psychologically. I learned through my experiences that this is exactly what can destroy a person. I have experienced it myself.

I used to live in my romantic dreams. Wrote love letters, made beautiful gifts for my sweetheart and cooked him the most delicious food. I thought if I behave like that, he would treat me well and right, not leave me. Just as I deserve it. Yes I know, nowadays all the love talk seems to be a fucking hypocrisy. Blah blah... I love you until my heart stops beating... We all know it. The dirty psychos are still alive and their heart beats, but not for me anymore. I'm glad I don't wear the "pink" colored glasses anymore. So I can never again wake up from a lovely fantasy world. Because there everything is beautiful and just. Nevertheless, I find it sad. I can no longer believe in a romantic love story because I have seen reality more than once. I thought living together, getting engaged and having sex would be something serious. What a miserable joke! There are people who live with someone just because they can't be alone. They need the love, approval, validation or sense of ownership and control. They may even want to break your soul that they can feel stronger inside. Let's talk about engagement. For some, it's just the way it should be. They may commit to a person or present the person as a trophy. Or it's just about material conditions. Now let's talk about sex. It's just sad now. Faithfulness is something very hard nowadays. One could get bored quickly and since it is so easy to get sex it is very easy to cheat. Or it is not responded to the partner. Many are just selfish about sex.

For example, I used to fall in love with someone very quickly, had sex and he blocked me on social media afterwards. Wow what an achievement. We women are labeled as sluts afterwards because we had sex with many, but who knows why. Many are just looking for the right partner and get screwed afterwards. Men just the same. They may have once really and seriously loved someone, were hurt by this person and now only want to have sex. They don't want to allow any more feelings. They don't want any more heartache. But who really cares what the real reason is for a person's behavior. In my opinion, sex belongs in a relationship. It's really not the most important thing. Sex has broken so much in my life. I learned through my abdominal surgery that I am the boss of my body and I certainly don't have to conform if I don't want to. My no must be accepted. Which unfortunately has never been the case in my life.

I attracted such sick monsters, was like a magnet for them. But my worst experiences have made me the strong and wise woman I am today. Whoever wants to judge me, let him. But it would be more interesting to see who would go this far in my life. All of them would realize that if they had been in my place, they themselves would not have known how to go on.

Every person makes decisions based on experiences he had gone through. Therefore, no one has the right to judge another person just like that. Or who of you has always acted right until now?

I will never be able to become the my old self again, but I hope I will find the courage once more to open up to a sincere person by my side. I don't want all these assholes in my life to have achieved their goal. I don't want to go down.

I know there are people out there who will stand by me no matter what. Who love and value my laugh, my character, my eyes and not my body. This gives me hope to fight on in my life. I will find my happiness. It will not be easy, I can tell you, but it will be worth it.

I have a lot of empathy, show respect to other people, have decency, am faithful and honest. There is surely a suitable piece of the puzzle for me. I do not wish for expensive jewelry, a nice car or an expensive apartment. What I want is love, time, acceptance, understanding, faithfulness and honesty. 

Yes my experiences have left deep marks in my life, became mentally ill several times. But even my illnesses does not bring me to the ground anymore. I continue to fight and believe that this person will come. And if it is not the next one, I wish that I will find the strength to open up again until the right person comes into my life.